Evanston, Illinois
A new dawn as arrived for the Northwestern Wildcats, as new coach Jared Vagcrusher officially arrived today at Ryan Field for the first time, which fans hope is the first of many times for the long-time coach.
Vagcrusher's road to Evanston has been a wild one. Following a 21-17 loss to Florida in his first championship game appearance (Dolfinley, if you read this, fuck you! jk), Vagcrusher left the Trojans to take his dream job at Penn State, with whom he won two consecutive BCS titles, both against Oklahoma and pussy ass Coach Poopah.
In the off-season, Vagcrusher was offered an insane amount of money to return to his hometown of San Diego and coach the Chargers. After a 9-7 record in the opening season of Grinders 2012, Vagcrusher decided to say "Fuck this shit," and headed north to Seattle. It is rumored the move was highly motivated by Seattle's close proximity to Canada and dirt cheap price for blow north of the border. Two seasons in Seattle resulted in two playoff appearances and one narrow defeat in the NFC Championship game at the hands of fellow NCAA returner Coach Errig. Following a controversial loss to Detroit in the wild-card round the following year, Coach Vagcrusher was hospitalized due to an enlarged heart from his cocaine addiction, leading to an early retirement. After a few years of physical therapy, lots of Yoga, and medication, Vagcrusher accepted an offer to return to the B1G and lead the wildcats.
Coach Vagcrusher has pledged to bring a new approach to the offense, utilizing multi-talented Kain Colter at QB in a mix of air-raid and spread concepts, as well as junior Mike Trumpy and freshman Jordan Perkins in a timeshare at running back.
On defense, there is a lot of work to be done, and Vagcrusher has brought in his long time defensive coordinator and best friend Huggy Balls to try and revamp the swiss cheese defense NU has grown accustomed to. The secondary is raw and inexperienced, the front four are weaker than an old mans prostate, and the backers are decent, but will the prove to be decent enough? Only time will tell.
Haywood Jablowme - Senior Editor
Northwestern Times
A new dawn as arrived for the Northwestern Wildcats, as new coach Jared Vagcrusher officially arrived today at Ryan Field for the first time, which fans hope is the first of many times for the long-time coach.
Vagcrusher's road to Evanston has been a wild one. Following a 21-17 loss to Florida in his first championship game appearance (Dolfinley, if you read this, fuck you! jk), Vagcrusher left the Trojans to take his dream job at Penn State, with whom he won two consecutive BCS titles, both against Oklahoma and pussy ass Coach Poopah.
In the off-season, Vagcrusher was offered an insane amount of money to return to his hometown of San Diego and coach the Chargers. After a 9-7 record in the opening season of Grinders 2012, Vagcrusher decided to say "Fuck this shit," and headed north to Seattle. It is rumored the move was highly motivated by Seattle's close proximity to Canada and dirt cheap price for blow north of the border. Two seasons in Seattle resulted in two playoff appearances and one narrow defeat in the NFC Championship game at the hands of fellow NCAA returner Coach Errig. Following a controversial loss to Detroit in the wild-card round the following year, Coach Vagcrusher was hospitalized due to an enlarged heart from his cocaine addiction, leading to an early retirement. After a few years of physical therapy, lots of Yoga, and medication, Vagcrusher accepted an offer to return to the B1G and lead the wildcats.
Coach Vagcrusher has pledged to bring a new approach to the offense, utilizing multi-talented Kain Colter at QB in a mix of air-raid and spread concepts, as well as junior Mike Trumpy and freshman Jordan Perkins in a timeshare at running back.
On defense, there is a lot of work to be done, and Vagcrusher has brought in his long time defensive coordinator and best friend Huggy Balls to try and revamp the swiss cheese defense NU has grown accustomed to. The secondary is raw and inexperienced, the front four are weaker than an old mans prostate, and the backers are decent, but will the prove to be decent enough? Only time will tell.
Haywood Jablowme - Senior Editor
Northwestern Times
